Waiting

It’s been a long time since I’ve recorded my thoughts, so it’s about time for an update.

Obesity as a way of life
I’m feeling a little awkward as I’ve only gained five pounds so far, but it’s all in my waist. My jeans are too tight and my work pants finally fit just right. I have maternity clothes, but they’re still a little huge right now. I’ve finally reached the stage where only people that know me understand that I’m pregnant, and the rest of the world (which is a lot of people) assume that I’m just fat. The baby’s godmother, Laura, has nicknamed me “Chubby” and Chris is calling me “Fluffy Butt.”

I finally understand why women complain about the weight gain. Yes, it’s natural and healthy, but we are taught all our lives to watch our weight and admire thin women. Abandoning those societal values is more difficult than I thought it would be.

Dreaming
I spend a lot of time daydreaming about what our baby will be like. I imagine a little curly-haired boy running along after Chris at the annual Labor Day Air Show. Or, I imagine a fair-haired girl with long braids insisting that Daddy carry her everywhere they go. I imagine Chris and baby spending hours in the garage building the best playhouse ever. I imagine Kayla snuggling with the baby or Erica playing peek-a-boo.

Secrets
I have finally acknowledged that I must tell my mother that I’m pregnant. I’m really dreading the conversation, but as a new mother, I simply can’t imagine how painful it must be to be so detached from your child’s life. I don’t know if we can repair our relationship, but I at least need a clear conscience. I need to do this.

I’m looking forward to telling my co-workers this week. It’s amazing that I’ve been able to keep the secret this long! As I continue to get fatter and fatter, this pregnancy will be harder and harder to conceal. I might as well tell them since most of them will only be excited for me. Except for my nemesis, and nobody really cares how she feels anyway.

Obsessions
I’ve been researching children’s books online. I’m obsessed with having a brilliant baby and I’m convinced that a childhood filled with reading and deprived of television exposure will lead us to the nirvana I seek.

I want to buy something. Anything. I’ve updated our baby registry in an effort to curb the urge to spend. I’m trying…