Heartbeat

We heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time on Friday, July 28, 2006.

Chris and I shared the miracle together.

The baby is real!!

STRESS!!!

What a day!

I’ve been looking forward to this day for over a month, but it is not turning out to be as wonderful as I had hoped it would be.

Today is our first OB appointment.
We might get an ultrasound today.
I can’t wait to meet our baby!

I imagined that we would go to work, normal day, anguishing over how slowly time would pass as we wait for our 3:30pm appointment.
We would go get the ultrasound, meet our baby, share a tearful moment, and then spend the rest of the day immersed in love.
I was hoping for dinner at Hunan Garden to celebrate, maybe a movie, then lots of cuddling and groping.

What a wonderful imagination I have.

This is how the day is going so far. Please keep in mind, it is not yet noon.

Chris is on-call this week.
He got a service call last night and left the house at 5:30pm.
He got home at 9:30pm.
We got Chinese food for dinner at 10:00pm.
Chris got another service call at 1:00am.
He didn’t have to go.
Chris got another service call at 3:30am.
He did have to leave.

The service call was in Painesville.
We had torrential rain last night.
Euclid was flooded.
Eastlake was flooded.
Mentor was flooded.
Painesville was flooded.
Perry was flooded.
Madison was flooded.
The freeways were closed and many of the roads through Mentor were closed, too.
I have no idea how he got to Painesville.

The service call in Painesville was at a nursing home.
One of the nurses mentioned that her husband had just been evacuated from their house on Circle Drive because it was flooded.
Chris’ mother lives on Circle Drive.

Chris stopped at his mother’s house at 5:30am to make sure everyone was alright.
The entire circle was flooded, except for 10 houses on one end of the street.
Chris’ mom and family was fine.

Chris called me at 5:30am to tell me about the flooding.
Thanks, now I’m awake.
Again.

So the morning started a little earlier than I prefer.

Then, my boss invites me to a 9:00am staff meeting, and she has donuts.
As a rule of thumb, any Friday morning meeting that includes donuts means your boss is about to share some bad news.
And since I heard her on the phone yesterday tell a friend “I’m not sure that I still have a job”, you can only imagine how much I was looking forward to this meeting.

The news is this:

Our department is being reorganized.
We are currently part of a non-profit hospital.
Our department will be a for-profit subsidiary.
We have a new director, and he is bringing 6 employees with him from Florida.
Our current executive director and his secretary are being moved out of the executive administration offices.
Our current executive director will no longer report directly to the CEO.
The new director wants to see our resumes, so we need to have them ready by Tuesday of next week.
He wants to know where we all fit into the new organization.
If we do.

So, my boss reassures us at this point that we all have jobs.
Wonderful news.
BUT…
There is not enough space in our current building to add the new employees.
We will be moving to Independence at the end of the year.

That’s all fine and dandy, but there are several problems with that.
I currently have a 15 minute commute, and Chris and I carpool in his company van.
That means our current gas expenses for commuting are $0.
The new commute would have me driving our van 45 minutes each way every day, at $3 for a gallon of gas.
Not to mention, that I would need to leave the house at 7:00am and I wouldn’t get home until 6:00pm.
That’s assuming no traffic jams.
And I have to pass through Downtown Cleveland.
So, bet on traffic jams.

This is a problem.
Our babysitter only works 7:00am to 5:30pm.
We can’t let Chris pick up the baby from daycare because he only has two seats in his van, both of which have airbags.
If my baby’s head were severed by an airbag, I would not be able to forgive myself.
So, I need to pick up the baby in my van, but I won’t get there in time.

The commute schedule doesn’t work.
The commute expense doesn’t work.

My boss has offered to waive the 12 month waiting period to allow me to apply for other jobs internally. She is fantastic!

The dilemma is this:

Do I tell my manager about my pregnancy now?
Or do I wait until I find a new job?
If they know I need maternity leave in February, will it make it harder to find a job?
I only have about a month before I start showing, and I don’t know if I could find a job that quickly.

What should I do????

Nine Weeks

Baby Ticker

Week Nine

How your baby's growing: Your new resident is nearly an inch long — barely the size of a grape — and weighs just a fraction of an ounce, but he's poised for rapid weight gain now that his basic physical structure is in place. He's also starting to look more and more human. His embryonic "tail" is now completely gone and his body parts — including organs, muscles, and nerves — are kicking into gear.

His eyelids are fused shut and won't open until 27 weeks. He has earlobes, and by week's end, the inner workings of his ears will be complete. His upper lip is fully formed, too, and his mouth, nose, and nostrils are more distinct. The tips of his fingers are slightly enlarged where his touch pads are developing. All major joints — his shoulders, elbows, wrists, knees, and ankles — are working, enabling your baby to move his limbs. As for his heart, it has divided into four chambers now, and the valves have started to develop. External sex organs are there, but won't be distinguishable as male or female for another few weeks.

How your life's changing: You still may not look pregnant , but emotionally you may feel like you're on a roller coaster ride. Mood swings are common now; it's perfectly normal to feel alternately elated and terrified about becoming a parent. This feeling can persist throughout your pregnancy and well after your baby's born. Try to cut yourself some slack. Almost all expectant parents worry about how a new baby will change their lives, but the vast majority later say that becoming a parent was one of the best things they've ever done.

You may be feeling extra gassy or bloated now, too. That's primarily because the major doses of progesterone your body produces early in pregnancy relax smooth muscle tissue throughout your body, and that includes your gastrointestinal tract. This relaxation slows your digestive processes, which can cause more gas, bloating, burping, flatulence, and generally miserable sensations in your gut, especially after a big meal.

Dawn’s Notes:

Gas. Bloating.

Am I showing, or am I just constipated today?

How I've Changed... And How I Haven't

As I journey towards motherhood, I’ve noticed some subtle changes in my own character.

I’m more likely to put my foot down and defend my opinion.
Especially with the ex-wife and my nemesis at work.
In-laws are next in line for this treatment.

I’m terrified of reckless drivers and I’m more likely to honk and scream obscenities at them.
Just for the record, the world is filled with reckless drivers.

I feel guilty for eating fast food.

I feel guilty for whining about my queasy stomach all the time.

I plan to exploit my condition at every opportunity.
I will skip to the front of the restroom line.
I will drink my soda in the department store that displays the sign that says
“No food or beverage”
I will eat the last peanut, fried dumpling, or cookie.

I’m sure there are many more changes to come.

Look out world, Motherhood is a monster!!

Dad, the Baby Expert

We got our first copy of Baby Talk magazine in the mail last night.
Chris read it while I was cooking dinner.

I’m impressed.

First of all, I thought Chris probably knows everything he wants to know because he has done all of this before. Twice.

He is already an expert on all things related to baby care.
Although, when I say expert, I really mean that he knows a lot more about feeding, diapering, and soothing than I do.
At least, I hope he knows what he is doing.
Someone should.

So, as Chris is browsing through the baby magazine, eyes filled with wonder, I hear questions like:

“Why would you keep a baby’s cord blood?”

And

“Did you know that there are lots of different models of breast pumps out there?”

And

“Why is there an ad for birth control in a baby magazine? Isn’t it too late?”

As much as this man makes me smile, he makes my heart melt even more.

He’s such a fabulous Daddy!

Eight Weeks

Baby Ticker

Week Eight

How your baby's growing: Your baby is now 5/8 of an inch long, about the size of a kidney bean. She's constantly moving and shifting, although you won't be able to feel these womb wiggles for several weeks yet. Her embryonic tail is disappearing, and her eyelids practically cover her eyes. Still slightly webbed, her fingers and toes are growing longer. Her arms have lengthened, too, and her hands are now flexed at the wrist and meet over her heart. Her knee joints have formed, and her feet may be long enough to meet in front of her body. With her trunk straightening out, her head is more erect. Breathing tubes extend from her throat to the branches of her developing lungs. The nerve cells in her brain are also branching out to connect with one another, forming primitive neural pathways. Though you may be daydreaming about your baby as one gender or another, the external genitals still haven't developed enough to reveal whether you're having a boy or a girl.


How Mom’s life is changing: You haven't gained much weight yet, but parts of you are certainly growing — like your breasts. You'll soon need bigger bras with better support than your old ones. You may notice your waistline expanding as well, forcing you to pack away your favorite jeans. Less obvious is the increase in your blood volume; by the end of your pregnancy, you'll have 40 to 50 percent more blood running through your veins to meet the demands of your baby. Your need for iron increases with your blood volume. Take your prenatal vitamins to make sure you're getting the extra iron you need so that you don't become anemic.

Dawn’s notes:

Don’t forget the nausea gets worse this week.
I finally learned that I could avoid the queasiness by eating small meals frequently.
Now, I am queasy whether I eat or not.

I am frequently exhausted, but exercise seems to help combat feelings of fatigue.
Chris has been taking me swimming, and it feels marvelous!

Still waking up to pee at all hours of the night and every 1-2 hours during the day.
It makes shopping difficult.

I Had A Dream….

I had another dream last night.
I hope these are not prophecies of things to come.
I feel so sorry for this kid already.

I dreamt that we were at home with our baby.
The baby was a boy!
(Another boy! Does this mean anything?)

The baby was hungry, so he decided to latch on.

Great job!
I knew we could breastfeed!

My immediate reaction is “Oh, no! We need our Boppy!”
I put the baby down on the couch and go to his room to start unpacking boxes.
In real life, would I really let this baby be born before his boxes were unpacked?
I don’t think so.

Meanwhile, we are not in our house, but we are in our old apartment.
The baby is in the living room on our old blue Lazy Boy couches while I search through boxes looking for our Boppy.
(I left the baby alone on the couch?!!?)

The baby is screaming.

I finally find the Boppy and we resume feeding.

Until I notice that the baby has milk dribbling down his chin.
My immediate reaction is “Oh, no! We need a bib.”

I put the baby back down on the couch and go look for a bib.
I’m unpacking boxes looking for the blue bib with the turtle on it.

The baby is screaming.

I suddenly hear someone say,
“Hey, lady! Would you just give the kid a boob already?!!?”

Who said that?

Was it Chris?

Was it Baby?

I find the bib, put it on the baby, and give him the boob that he is waiting for.

I’m proud of myself because it’s actually working.

Then I wake up to pee and the dream is over.

**Just for the record, the baby has milky white skin, very light blonde hair, and blue eyes. His hair is just barely there, so it’s impossible to tell if it will be curly like his Dad.

And he likes boobs, just like his Dad.

Vivid Dreams

I had my first vivid pregnancy dream this week.

I dreamed that our baby was born.
The baby was a boy.

I took the baby for a walk one day, and he started to talk to me.
He was only one month old, so I was very proud of him.
I was so excited that I wanted to show Chris right away.

I took the baby to an apartment building.
We walked up a few flights of stairs and entered a newly painted white apartment.
Chris was inside assembling a crib.

I asked Chris what he was doing in this apartment.
Chris told me that this was the baby’s new apartment.
The baby was moving out of our house.
Chris told me that the baby has to move out someday, why not now?

I told Chris about my dream as soon as I woke up and we died laughing.

Chris assured me that our baby can live in our house until he is at least 18 years old.

Prayers for Monica

My friend, Monica, is 30 weeks pregnant and is currently faced with the possibility of premature labor.

She was hospitalized over the weekend with premature contractions and she is currently on bedrest.

There is a 30% chance that she will deliver before 34 weeks, and her OB feels that she will definitely deliver before 38 weeks.

Many prayers for Monica and her family.

Cheese, Glorious Cheese

I recently read that soft cheeses, such as feta, brie, and mozzarella, can sometimes contain a bacteria called Listeria if they are not pasteurized.
Pregnant hostages, oops, I mean women, can’t eat soft cheeses because Listeria is bad. I don’t know how Listeria is bad, but it is.

I’m packing lunches this morning and I reach into the refrigerator looking for string cheese.

I realize that I didn’t buy any string cheese on the last grocery shopping expedition.

Because it's MOZZARELLA string cheese.

DAMN!

I LOVE CHEESE!

Chris tells me I’m being a little neurotic.

I think he just can’t listen to any more of my incessant whining about the eternally long list of dietary restrictions that I have imposed on myself in my campaign for a perfectly healthy baby.

So, we’ll compromise.

I’ll eat the mozzarella, but I’ll avoid the feta and brie so I can sleep peacefully at night.

Now, excuse me while I go eat my cold leftover pizza (smothered in mozzarella)…

Seven Weeks

Baby Ticker

Week Seven

How your baby's growing: Your baby still appears to have a small tail (actually, it's an extension of his tailbone), which will disappear in the next few weeks. But that's the only thing getting smaller. Now almost half an inch long — roughly the size of a raspberry — he has elbow joints and distinct, slightly webbed fingers and toes. In his oversized head, both hemispheres of his brain are developing. His teeth and the inside of his mouth are forming, and his ears continue to develop. Eyelid folds partially cover his tiny peepers, which already have some color, and the tip of that nose you'll be tweaking someday is emerging. His skin is paper-thin and his veins are clearly visible.

Your little one also has an appendix and a pancreas, which will eventually produce the hormone insulin to aid in digestion. His liver is busy producing red blood cells, and a loop of your baby's growing intestines is bulging into his umbilical cord, which now has distinct blood vessels to carry oxygen and nutrients to and from his tiny body. You can't feel his gyrations yet, but your baby is like a little jumping bean, moving in fits and starts around his watery home.

Delusions of Empowerment

Today I feel empowered.

It’s almost like I’m in charge!

I researched the Maternity Leave Policy at work.
I printed all of the applicable forms and will have my OB complete the medical certification form at our first appointment on July 28th.
My manager will be so impressed that I have all of the paperwork done, she won’t even have time to mourn her loss.
I think I’ll give her a chance to soak up the thought that I’ll be gone for three months on maternity leave before I tell her that I want a shorter work day when I return.

I’m planning to tell my boss sometime in August.
After the OB appointment.
After our Florida vacation.
After we tell the kids, and the kids tell the whole world.
Maybe the kids could tell my boss?
Maybe not.

I check out the lactation services at work.
I work at a hospital, so they have nursing centers with hospital grade pumps and lactation consultants and nursing support groups.
Fabulous!
The only problem is that the nearest lactation center is in another building on the other side of the campus, so I would only have to walk ten minutes to get there and ten minutes to get back.
Well, I’m not an expert yet, but I’m thinking I might have to pump milk a couple of times a day.
That means a lot of time walking back and forth.
I’m thinking my boss might let me use that empty office with the big, soft leather chair instead of making me hike to the cow-milking center.
Heavenly…

I also started looking at prenatal classes at the hospital.
I thought it would be great to get started early so we wouldn’t have to take all of the classes at one time.
Looks like they are all designed for the third trimester.
Doesn’t anyone else on this planet believe in advanced preparation?

And the list of classes is endless.
Childbirth Preparation
Breastfeeding Basics
Baby Care
New Dad Boot Camp
Infant and Baby CPR
Car Seat Safety
Happy Baby (why do you need a class for that??!!??)

I wonder how Chris will feel about spending every weekend of our third trimester in a prenatal class?
Doesn’t that sound like fun?

I’m excited about the classes that are available for Kayla and Erica.
I want to sign them up for Sitter Safety.
It’s a babysitting class about baby care and what to do in an emergency.
I think it will be a great learning experience and will give them the confidence to be very involved with their sibling from the very beginning.
And I want them to be very involved.
I plan to exploit their services so I can shower daily.
I know I’m selfish, but I have no shame.

I’d also like to sign them up for the New Sister/New Brother class.
I think it’s intended for younger kids, but I think they’ll enjoy the tour of the hospital nursery.
Maybe I can sneak into the class so I can take a peek at the new babies, too!

Yesterday, I bought the beginnings of a maternity wardrobe.
I surfed around all the popular maternity websites and took a peek at the offerings on walmart.com.
I decided to look on Ebay so I can afford to wear pants AND send our baby to college.

I bought 4 pairs of maternity pants, 2 skirts, and 4 shirts for $50.
Yes, I know I have talent.
I’m saving this baby tons of cash with my thriftiness.
I hope you realize that these purchases will be added to the baby’s tab.
But I’m not mean.
I don’t expect repayment until he at least finishes college.
At least.

So, I’m feeling better about the waiting game today.
I feel like I’m making some progress towards our goal.
I know my body is busy growing this baby everyday, but I don’t like to be a backseat driver.

QOTD: Labor & Delivery

The big question of the day is:

Labor and Delivery, Natural or Epidural?

As if it is even a question!

Last night, I was reading a horrifying book titled ‘Pregnancy and Childbirth.’
Well, that book is about 10% pregnancy and 90% childbirth horror!
I should have dropped the book while I was still feeling somewhat confident about this, but I didn’t.

I’ve been entertaining ideas of a water birth, or walking through contractions, or giving birth standing up. I’ve read that delivery while lying on your back is the worst position because you are pushing the baby uphill and the opening is narrowed, which increased the need for episiotomy.

But then I realized that I wouldn’t be able to feel my legs if I had an epidural.
So, that rules out walking and standing.

Hmmm….

Should I be a martyr?

Considering that I get queasy just thinking about the delivery process, maybe I’m not the best candidate for natural childbirth.
I can’t really imagine myself meditating through the pain.

The baby forums are very helpful.
Some moms say, “Women have been doing it for thousands of years without drugs.”
Other moms say, “Would you have a tooth extracted without pain medication? If not, why would you give birth without it?”

So, the question is out there for debate and we have a couple of months to figure it out.

As of today, we are 80% voting for epidural, and 20% delusional.

Craving List of the Day

Craving List of the Day

Cheese

Avocado

Cheese

Guacamole

Cheese

I found a recipe for a pumpkin pie smoothie.
I want one right now.

Cheese

I wonder if there is any cheese in the vending machine?
I'll be back in a minute...

How about guacamole and melted cheese on Triskitt crackers? YUM...

Anxiety Attack

Big sister Erica is finally off to summer camp.

I think Chris is having a nervous breakdown.
He’s so worried about her that he can’t even sleep!
I keep trying to reassure him that she is having the time of her life,
but I don’t think he really believes me.

She’s probably not even thinking about us.
I’m sure we miss her more than she misses us.

Chris is feeling guilty because it’s raining.
Don’t kids love to play in the rain?

I’ll feel so much better when she comes home and tells us how much fun she had.

The good news is that she is not at home wondering why I am sick and tired all of the time. I have tried so hard to be a martyr, but it doesn’t seem to be working well. Chris says I look sick all of the time and I keep falling asleep in the car.

Erica probably has no clue that I’m pregnant. She’s never been around a pregnant woman, so she has no reason to be suspicious. But, she is eleven years old and being the drama queen that she is, she probably thinks I am dying of cancer and we’re not telling her.

I can’t wait until August so we can tell the kids what is going on!
Maybe Kayla will start being nice to me then?

In the meantime, I keep trying to imagine what our family life will be like next year. I’m overwhelmed.

When will I sleep?
If Mondays are crappy now, how crappy will it be when I have to get someone else dressed in the morning, too?
How will we pay for daycare?
Who is going to cook dinner?
How are we going to pay for Erica’s braces?
What will my body look like?
When will I talk to Chris?

I’m hoping I will cheer up by the time I’m beginning to show.
I wish I was more excited.
Today, I am just terrified.

At least I can alleviate my guilt by blaming it on the hormones…

Conspiracy Theory

Now I know how it feels to be sabotaged.

The baby likes ice cream.

I always have the worst morning sickness in the evening after dinner.
Milkshakes make it better.

Chris is encouraging the ice cream consumption.
He says we need calcium.

My pants are tight today.
I have to hike them up over my belly button because the waistband is not elastic.
We can't keep eating ice cream everyday.
I have to say NO next time Chris asks me if I want to go to Dairy Queen.
He should stop asking me if I want to go.

They're BOTH sabotaging me!

It must be a boy because he's already on Daddy's team.

I'm on to the conspiracy...

Reasons to Celebrate Life

The baby is fine.

No need to panic.

The spotting is normal.

I really need to start reading these pregnancy books so I know what to expect, but it’s hard to find time to read without giving away the secret. I can’t exactly whip out a copy of ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’ in the lunchroom at work.

On another happy note,

Chris is the cutest Daddy ever.
He bought another infant carrier and a newer carseat today at a garage sale.
That brings our tally of infant carriers to three.
I hope he doesn’t think we’re having triplets.

I can’t wait to see these new baby accessories!
Erica was with him, and I trust her fashion judgement, so they must be cute.
They also bought a Winnie the Pooh doll for the baby.

How sweet!

Week Six

Baby Ticker

Week Six

How your baby's growing: The cells that will make up all of your baby's body parts and systems are dividing furiously as her body begins to take shape. Right now she's about the size of a small lentil bean (4 to 5 millimeters across).

If you could see through your uterine wall, you'd find an overlarge head and dark spots where her eyes and nostrils are beginning to take shape. Shallow pits on the sides of her head mark her developing ears, and her arms and legs appear as protruding buds. Her hands and feet look like paddles, with thick webbing between the developing digits, but her fingers and toes will soon become more distinct. Below the opening that will later be your baby's mouth, there are small folds where her neck and lower jaw will eventually develop. (Inside, her tongue and vocal cords are just beginning to form.)

Your baby's heart (which is starting to divide into the right and left chambers) is beating about 100 to 130 beats per minute — almost twice as fast as yours — and blood is beginning to circulate through her body. Her intestines are developing and tiny breathing passages are beginning to appear where her lungs will be.

She's also starting to build muscle fibers and, halfway through this week, she'll likely start moving her tiny limbs. Unfortunately, you'll probably have to wait until you're several weeks into your second trimester before you get to enjoy feeling your baby's calisthenics.

PANIC

I’m spotting.

I just saw pink on the TP ten minutes ago.

I cried immediately.

What does this mean??

I’m hysterical.

I search the internet for bleeding during first trimester.

I find a small glimmer of hope.

Bleeding is common, and does not mean miscarriage.

I didn’t know how badly I wanted this baby until I thought I might lose it.

I love this baby already.

It’s suddenly real to me.

Please God, help me.

Morning Musings

Just my morning musings...

I'm waiting for everyone to get ready to leave the house.
We're going river tubing today, one of the very few activities that I'm still allowed to do.

I always wondered how it would feel to be pregnant?
The pregnancy books tell me that my range of emotions are due to hormone changes in my body. That eleviates the feelings of guilt.

I'm excited.
I can't wait to meet Chris' baby!
What will he look like?

I'm terrified.
I don't remember anything about taking care of babies.
How will I know what to do?

I'm horrified.
I read ahead in the pregnancy book.
OK, don't give me too much credit.
I flipped through the pictures of what happens to your body during the third trimester.
Labor might be natural, but it also looks painful.
Not to be pessimistic, but that's just my observation.
Maybe I'm wrong?

I'm lonely.
Now that Kayla and Erica are back, we have to act like everything is normal. Chris has been the only person that I can talk to about this experience, and now I can't even talk to him.

I'm depressed.
I just lost 32 pounds, only to pack it back on and then some.
Just for the record, I was 166 pounds at the time of conception.
How long will it take me to see that on the scale again?

I'm awe-struck.
Just the thought of a human being growing inside my body is overwhelming and awe-inspiring. I'm still in shock.

I'm in denial.
We haven't heard the heartbeat yet or seen the ultrasound, so what if all the symptoms are in my head?
Nah.

I'm boring.
Really, who wants to hang out with a preggo lady that always has a tummy ache and can't walk across the room without feeling exhausted?
I am a major party pooper lately.
How can my family stand me?

I'm in love.
Whoever this little person is inside me, I love him already.
Despite the nausea.